Behind the Mask

I've been called an extrovert more times in my life than I can remember. But I'm not, not really, not in the true sense of the word. I love to cancel plans, curl up with a good book, a blank drawing pad, or a new creative project on my laptop. I love to shut out the sounds of my life (including the ceiling fan) and just sit in perfect stillness, listening to the sounds of a world that has temporarily forgotten I am there--a helicopter overhead, someone mowing the lawn, chickens scratching in their pen. I can go two days without uttering a single word, because I'm alone and there's no one to talk to. Two months might get lonesome, but a few days of quiet are lovely. I know these days will not last, and that is all right.

When I was a kid, people thought I talked too much, laughed too loud, and had too many hair-brained ideas. Sometimes I think, really? Did you not see me holding back tears and hiding behind my mama's skirt because I was too shy to walk into the church potluck by myself? Did you not see me spending hours in my hay fort, conjuring up fanciful tales in fictional worlds, playing in a universe completely removed from this one? Evidently not.

But I am loud, sometimes. I don't always cancel plans. Sometimes I'm raring to go. It is greatly satisfying to set off a crowd of friends in laughter that can't be quelled. But after a few hours of fun and games, I'm ready to go to a quiet, lonely place. Even when the cousins visit and we vow to stay up all night making once-in-a-lifetime memories, I fade away and creep off to my room for a little bit of solace before going to bed, hours before the rest of the house dies down.

People think that because I can say plainly whatever I perceive to be true, that I actually do say it fearlessly all the time. I've been told I'm a great evangelist, by someone who's never seen me struggle through actually witnessing to someone. Wow, did that one ever get called wrong. Please don't tell people things about me that are the antithesis of reality! Just because I don't particularly care what people think about me, doesn't mean that I readily do things I know will bring me into conflict with them. Even when I staunchly disagree, I'd just as soon keep quiet and ride it out. This is often a fault.

I gave a speech at my college graduation. People liked it, at the time (most have forgotten it by now). Afterwards: "Brenna, come speak to our church youth!" Me: "No!" (OK, I didn't say it like that.) Once again, they think I am something I am not.

Sometimes I wonder, am I inconsistent? Am I one way here, another way someplace else, and a third personality at other times? Am I so tossed about by every wind that I cannot be--or even know--what (or who) I really am? Others I have talked to feel the same. Why do other people have us pegged so wrong? Are they clueless, or are we wearing masks?

The answer is not complicated. When people view us (and we them), they peer out at the world through a lens that is distorted, warping and shading their perception. We've all got a lens immovably fastened in front of our eyes. Some things we see clearly, at a certain angle, when the light is just right--and we are actually looking. Most things we see mostly clearly, but not all the way. That is part and parcel with being human. We're biased. Jaded. Naive. We only see a fraction of the whole, the outside mask concealing the interior. We're confidently dead wrong.

But the all-seeing eye of the Lord is not so. The heart of man is bare before him. He is not misled by extroversion on Tuesday nights or introversion on Fridays. He masterminded the wonderfully complex, soul-possessing mechanism that is humankind, with all its tics and traits. He has no lens obscuring his piercing sight. And what he demands from his creations is not nearly as complicated or burdensome as we imagine it to be. He does not give stipulations individual to shyness or flamboyance. 

Do justly. Love mercy. Walk humbly with your God.

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart.

Take up your cross and follow Me.

Masks and warped lenses will all be cast aside, and each will stand before the throne alone. Those who seek to mend their flaws apart from the cross will fall and fall hard. Self-study and self-discovery showcase only more and more of Self--that ugly creature whose presence I already war against. But those who lift up their eyes to Jesus, the author and finisher of their faith who began a good work and is faithful to complete it, these ones will run the race, finish in victory, and receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love him.  

Well done, thy good and faithful servant.

50 Questions for My Future Husband

When I was a young teen, it was popular in my circle of friends to write lists of characteristics we hoped for in a husband someday. Some of our criteria was reasonable, much of it silly. After that time, I began to greatly dislike writing such lists, and I threw all mine away. I didn't like the "grocery shopping" feeling that list-writing gave me. I had experienced the uncomfortable feeling of being likened to a piece of feminine merchandise, up on the shelf next to all the other pretty church girls, so perhaps my intense dislike for petty checklists was more reactionary than it should have been. Even so, I threw out all lists, criteria, and qualifications, and thought no more about it for several years.

In the last year, I realized the practicality of having some clearly defined criteria of what things can or cannot be negotiated when finding a mate. This new appreciation came chiefly out of my dismay as I saw some friends of mine fall for and marry men that were, to put it nicely, losers. These were scrupulous, Christian girls who thought they would be strong and sensible, but had failed to plan ahead and as a result, made the biggest error of their lives.

I'm still not a fan of lists. I hate putting people into a box. I've never liked applications or surveys. But, after many weeks of thinking, praying, and revising, I came up with a list that contained only six simple, non-negotiable items, and two negotiable ones. I'm not posting it here for obvious reasons; it is customized to who I am and what things I value most in this life. It is a list meant to flag non-compatibility in life's biggest issues right from the get-go, thus averting future disaster.

Along the same line, I began thinking about what questions I would want to have answered from my future husband. Here is a list of 50 questions I came up with. I realize many are sober in nature, but wouldn't it be awful to commit your life to someone with some of these things unanswered? There are also some glaring omissions that one might consider essential--questions about salvation, etc. Those fundamental issues are covered in my first list, so are not repeated here. Write your own list of questions that would weigh on your heart until answered. I may not ever use these, but the writing of them helped me shape in my heart and mind the issues that are most important to me as I consider the rest of my life spent in service to the Lord, fully aware that the choices I make in life's biggest arenas will determine a future of either delight or disaster.

50 Questions for My Future Husband

1) If I developed a debilitating mental illness (example: schizophrenia) and became a threat to you or our children, what would you do?

2) If I was in an unresponsive coma, most likely for life, what would you do?

3) Under what circumstances would you seek to divorce me?

4) If I was unable to have children, how would you feel? What would you do?

5) If I died suddenly, what are your plans for taking care of yourself and raising our children? Would you consider remarrying?

6) What do you believe about spanking?

7) If another person was making inappropriate or flirtatious advances on me, how would you want me to go about including you and ending it?

8) What are your expectations for me to keep healthy and beautiful for you, even as my body changes with childbearing? (Weight gain/loss, stretch marks, etc)

9) How important is it to you that I wear makeup, style my hair, and dress attractively?

10) How do you feel about adoption, raising children of different ethnicities, and interracial marriage?

11) If I became disfigured through illness or injury, how would you feel and what would you do?

12) Because of my work history in the medical field, how would you feel if I was ever included in a court case or lawsuit, even years from now?

13) How would we handle the death of one of our children?

14) How will you keep yourself guarded from pornography and other sexual sins, and hold yourself accountable to me (and anyone else)?

15) How important is it to you to pray for your spouse? To pray with your spouse?

16) How important is it to you that we regularly do fun things together that we both enjoy?

17) How do you plan to fulfill your role as provider without sacrificing important time spent with your wife and family?

18) How interested or receptive will you be to making any lifestyle or dietary changes in an effort to make ourselves healthier?

19) What constitutes a “major purchase,” and at what amount of money should both spouses be consulted before a purchase is made?

20) What are your views on credit cards? How do you feel about debt? How much debt are you willing to carry, and for what reasons?

21) What are your views on contraception? Under what circumstances would you consider preventing conception for a time?

22) How important is it to you to have money to spend on your hobbies and interests?

23) How important is it to you that I keep a clean, organized home?

24) Under what circumstances would you be willing to be apart from me and our children for an extended period of time (mission trip, etc.)?

25) How do you plan to implement spiritual leadership in our home, and what can I do to help set up a family discipleship plan that works for us?

26) What do you think about spouses having separate email or social networking accounts?

27) When was a time I’ve ever embarrassed you by my speech, dress, behavior, or other conduct?

28) Have I ever made you feel uncomfortable by how I interact with other men?

29) How should we manage holidays and birthdays with both sides of our family?

30) What is the thing that I might do that would hurt or damage you the most?

31) What kind of secret is justified in being withheld from a spouse?

32) What should I do if I think you’re irritated or angry at something I’ve said or done?

33) How should we use and manage electronic devices and media consumption in our home?

34) How are we going to manage the internet in our home?

35) What will we do if you and I hold differing viewpoints on some Bible doctrines?

36) What would make me unattractive or undesirable to you?

37) What will we do for our parents in their older years when they need care and can no longer live alone?

38) What would you change about me, if you could?

39) What attracted you to me the most?

40) What are you most afraid of?

41) How do you feel about displays of physical affection in public? How much is too much?

42) How do you feel about women speaking up and contributing in church?

43) How would we help if one of our siblings fell on hard financial times?

44) What makes you angry?

45) What gives you the most joy?

46) How do you plan to be involved in the home-schooling of our children?

47) How do you feel about the use of slang, popular catch-phrases, sarcasm, and other irreverent or casual speech in our home?

48) What are your thoughts on owning pets or livestock?

49) How do you understand your role in carrying out the Great Commission with your God-given gifts and 

personality? 

50) What is your love language (the best way for me to communicate my love for you)?