14 Books to Change 2014

This is it, girls. The last day of 2013! I've finished RBMW for this year. If you haven't, just hunker down and plow through it to start off the new year. If you feel like you're not ready for it, or it's hard to understand, put it aside for a few months while you read other stimulating Christian discipleship literature, then try it again. For 2014, I recommend reading your Bible every day, and reading God, Marriage, and Family by Andreas Kostenberger, which I've already begun. :)

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It's been quite a year.

For the new year I have one resolution:

~to desire God more~


.....which is not a resolution I can pull off on my own. He will finish his good work in me, and I am ready for whatever that takes.

I've been weak in soul nourishment this past year. I feel it. I hate entering a new year feeling spiritually anemic, but it's my own fault. By the grace of God, I've worked out a reading plan for the next year to arrive at this place next year perhaps a little wiser than I am now. There are fourteen books I'm resolving to read; books I've read in the past, books I have yet to read, books who've influenced people for decades and radically changed lives. Here's the plan so far:


Daily:
--Bible (4 chapters daily=through the Bible in 1 year)
--My Utmost for His Highest (Oswald Chambers) (daily entry, about 1 page)
--Systematic Theology (Wayne Grudem) (3-4 pages per day)                                                     (1264 pages)

Other books to work through:

--God, Marriage, and Family: Rebuilding the Biblical Foundation (Andreas Kostenberger)               (399 pages)
--Humility: True Greatness (C.J. Mahaney)                                                                                      (176 pages)

--Delighting in the Trinity: An Introduction to the Christian Faith (Michael Reeves)                            (145 pages)

--Desiring God: Meditations of a Christian Hedonist (John Piper)                                                     (368 pages)

--Why Revival Tarries (Leonard Ravenhill)                                                                                       (176 pages)

--Foxe's Book of Martyrs (John Foxe)                                                                                              (442 pages)

--The Cost of Discipleship (Dietrich Bonhoeffer)                                                                               (320 pages)

--Knowledge of the Holy:The Attributes of God: Their Meaning in the Christian Life (A.W. Tozer)    (128 pages)

--Humility (Andrew Murray)                                                                                                             (95 pages)

--Holiness (J.C. Ryle)                                                                                                                       (298 pages)

--Knowing God (J.I. Packer)                                                                                                            (312 pages)

total.................................................................................................................................................2,859 pages = 8 pages per day

I don't know about you, but 4 chapters from the Bible and *only* 13 pages of other reading per day sounds pretty do-able. Let's do it.

2014 = Soli Deo Gloria!

Grace and peace,

Brenna

The Relief of Being Ordinary

When I was young, every time I became interested in a new hobby, I imagined that someday I would be "great" at it, that this might be the niche that would unlock "my special gift." After all, God gives special gifts to people, right? The world is full of brilliant prodigy, doing amazing things, defying the laws of nature though some mysterious combination of innate ability and single-minded pursuit.

Over the years, I've come to realize something, something that only this year I accepted fully--I am decidedly ordinary. And I cannot tell you what relief, joy, and freedom came flooding over me with this realization.

I've embraced the reality that I am only a little artistic, only a little musical, only a little athletic, only a little academic, and so on. Rather than despairing, crawling off to feel miserable (but only in a mediocre way), I was suddenly set free. No longer do I have to pretend to be more learned than I am, have more stamina than I really do, that I am some spiritual giant well versed in all matters of doctrine. I'm not. I don't. I'm making progress, but I'll never be impressive. No longer do I have to feel ashamed, even privately, that I have nothing to recommend me--no talent, no accomplishment to set me apart from the masses. I am one of the masses.

I had seen this realization coming for awhile, but put off facing it because I expected an avalanche of dashed hopes. How wrong I was. When I finally acknowledged the truth, I was instantly cut loose from the wearying cycle of self-improvement, competition, failure, jealousy, etc. I had been given an invaluable gift--the gift of being ordinary. Now, instead of feeling as though I can never partake in the perfect fruit reserved for the elite, I rejoice because God made me mild enough to taste and enjoy many of life's beauties, because I know I lack the ability (and the potential for greatness) to ever be sucked in to pursuing only one.

It's easier to feel on-par with ordinary people when a person admits to being one of them. Strung-out people smelling of dirty dogs, old beer and unwashed hair garner less disdain from me now than a few years ago. But for the grace of God, there go I. Envies have a way of dissipating when I take stock of my surroundings and marvel at the blessings I enjoy, through no merit of my own. How merciful is my Savior.

All of this makes me wonder: What other selfish dreams, other idols, am I clutching tightly to my chest, unwilling to surrender because I imagine they will bring me pain if I let them go . . . and how many of these are really just plugging heaven's dam of torrential blessings?

Point of No Return

My body has slowed down the last several weeks. To observant outsiders (those not privy to the relentless cog-grinding inside my head), I've become quiet, tired, and resigned. Resigned to what, I am not sure. Even today, I fought valiantly to stay awake in church, but slipped out early from the potluck to come home and try to study for a upcoming certification exam. The text lies beside me on the couch, unopened, as I write. When I work, I struggle to be on my feet for my 13 hour shift, and collapse into bed immediately upon getting home, sometimes not even eating dinner. I have four alarms set on my phone, each twelve minutes apart, just in case I sleep though the first two or three.

Part of me is sucked dry, dry as a sun-bleached bone. Perhaps it is physical--I won't hear back on the biopsy until next week. Maybe it's mental: I always become introspective during the last weeks of the year--is it a mild SAD? Or just the melancholy season? Or the time for old, wearisome burdens to return to my mind once summer's cavalier days are gone? I am not sure. But I suspect this tiredness is more than that. I think I've plodded far enough along the path to have come suddenly to a precipice, that Point of No Return, but I haven't the energy to take the leap--partly because I don't know which direction to hurl myself with that last summoning of strength. So instead, I sit on the ledge, dangle my feet over it, and wait. I can't go back down the road (things can never be as they were before), but to go on requires more than I have.

That's the trouble with learning--you simply can't un-learn something. You can always choose to walk away, turn a blind eye and a deaf ear, stuff it down into an obscure corner of your soul, but you cannot ever be without that knowledge. Sometimes, ignorance really is bliss, for the more one learns, the harsher--and more strangely beautiful--the world becomes. There are several pressing things I have learned this year, things that demand my attention, contemplation, and decisions. Some have deadlines. Some ought to have deadlines. I would share them all with you if I could, ask for a round of votes, and then all would be settled. If only it were that simple.

Everything I want to do, I yearn to do, I cannot do because what I am currently doing prevents me from doing that which I so greatly desire to do. And yet I hesitate to throw my entire situation to the wind, because as much as there is a vagabond soul in me that chafes at the reins, I am my mother's daughter, and her pragmatic blood in my veins holds me back, politely pointing out what a terribly imprudent thing it would be to throw it all away--just yet, anyway.

There is a part of me that loves what I do--bringing new souls into the world, day after day, hearing the same little first gasping cries and the little galloping heartbeats surge into life outside the womb. Hours--sometimes days--of exhausting laboring, ended in a single moment when the world's focus narrows and slows to just that place, just that moment, when women from every walk of life experience that very primal thing, birth. But there are things about it that I do not love, things that constrain me, things I know are not all right, not natural, not as they should be. I will never really belong here either, it seems.

In short, life from my vantage point is a bit tenuous these days. Settled in a routine for now, perhaps until the spring, who knows. Not permanent, not by any means. I hesitate to make friendships and put down roots in my new place, because it feels so temporary. But the old life back at home isn't enough to sustain me in the meager portions I am allowed. I sometimes wish I could go back, a year, five years, to be that happy girl whose problems consisted mainly of getting her chores done and deciding what to wear to youth group. To be seventeen again and pick a different route, one that didn't end quite in this exact place...

I'm ungrateful, I know, when I'm in these moods. How very merciful and generous God has been to me, has given me far more than millions of people will ever have. Compared to the world at large, I live in the lap of luxury. But perhaps it is this sense of privilege that compels me to want to do more, to be useful, to actually care and take action, yet I do not know how. It is rather unpleasant, to be here at this Point of No Return, and yet have no immediate place to go. For the first time in my charmed life thus far, I understand what frustration is--frustration that is compounded by ambiguity. If I knew what the matter was, I would at least have a nicely defined problem to work on. But this frustration of mine has nowhere to land, nothing to explain it, and it makes the burden dig a bit more sharply into my shoulders, and makes those who love me turn a quizzical brow when I cannot even define it, and thus end up sweeping the whole thing away with, "Never mind, I'm fine, really, I'm quite fine. Quite, quite fine..."

It will pass. It always does. I am comforted and strengthened by the words of those who've lived in eras before me, yet knew precisely what it is that nags at me. Their pens preserved their insights for generations to come--namely, me. I'm grateful. Lewis, Tozer, Spurgeon, Chambers, the Puritans. They unpack human frailty to remind me I am not alone, nor is this a dead-end in some spiritual maze, but rather a quiet place of uncomfortable transformation--it reminds me of cutting across the ravine to my grandparents' house when I was young, rather than taking the well-trod trail over the bridge with the adults. The ravine was neck-high with blackberries and hawthorns (sometimes their tenacious tendrils caught me and made me bleed), and about halfway up the hill on the other side, I would begin to wish that I had gone along with everyone else. But turning back and retracing my steps would bring more pain than was left ahead of me if I just surged forward. It hurt, but I always arrived at the place I was meant to be.

"Remember, the clouds are a sign that He is there." --Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest

Ode to Good Books

Books.

They are almost human-like in their ability to arrest our interest, fill our thoughts long after the cover's closed, give us new ideas, inspire our own creativity, stretch the boundaries of our knowledge as they force us to wrestle with complicated subject matter; they carry us off to new worlds, and even comfort us when we are lonesome--for reading is really nothing more than a long conversation that cannot be heard outside our heads.

A 2010 count by Google revealed nearly 130 million individual book titles in the world today.That is a truly staggering number of written works.

I come from a long line of voracious readers. I can remember winter evenings of my childhood spent at my grandparents' house, in which the grown-ups sat around the living room reading books, papers, magazines, commentaries, etc., and we children pored over stacks of decades-old yellow-tinged comic books. All the aunts and uncles who married into this strange family quickly grew bored with the dull company. But for those of us who had the Reading Gene, such evenings were the epitome of delightful.

My family's house today has bookshelves in every room of the house (with the possible exception of the bathroom--with lots of people living in one house, bathrooms are in far too high demand to have any leisure time in there!).

I outgrew the bookcase in my bedroom, and last spring the floor in front of it was piled high with stacks of books I couldn't bring myself to dispose of. When I moved away (temporarily), the first thing we put into my new cottage was a floor-to-ceiling bookshelf, which looked so roomy back in July (now it's almost full).

Why the obsession with books? Consider the statistics: After graduating from high school, ONE THIRD of adults will NEVER AGAIN read another book. After college, it's worse: 42% of college graduates will never read another book in their lifetimes. In America today, HALF of the adult population is UNABLE to read an 8th grade-level book with satisfactory comprehension. 80% of American families have not bought ONE BOOK in the past YEAR, and nearly two-thirds of the nation's population has not been inside in a book store in more than FIVE YEARS. We are a tragically ignorant nation.

But it's not that just going out and starting to read will fix the problem. Not any book will do. Much of the written material available will do more harm than good if consumed. I have friends who consider themselves avid readers, yet have consumed only from the fantasy genre for the past decade! While good fantasy has its place, a decade-long diet of it is as unhealthy as eating dessert in place of breakfast, lunch and dinner for a year. You will be unwell, imbalanced, addicted to it, and unable to appreciate other foods.

For my girls, the thirteen girls I've been praying for and writing to for nearly a year, I have been seriously thinking, planning, and praying about a decision that will take things up a notch. A big notch. We are going to reverse the trend of non-reading and frivolous reading. We are beginning to collect the Good Books of each of the following genres, and read them together. Such subjects are rarely heard of outside the classroom, but they are truly foundational if young women are to be insightful into their world, knowledgeable of its history, aware of its future, and if they are to become vital contributors and contenders in their culture. We live in an age and in a country in which ignorance is inexcusable. By the grace of God, we will make up for lost time, put away foolish reading, and instead fill our minds with only those things that spur us on to harder thinking and a deeper understanding of our Lord and His created order, that we might comprehend and appreciate His nature more, and become more useful in His hand as instruments of light on a darkened planet.

The list will change as we add to it, but for now, these are the things we deem most important with which to fill our minds. The list of book titles for each genre is also growing as we labor to compile a curriculum of only the truly Good Books.

·         Theology & Doctrine

·         Philosophy

·         Economics, Business, & Finances

·         Law & Government

·         Politics & Current Events

·         History

·         Basic Sciences

o   Biology

o   Geology

o   Geography

o   Chemistry

o   Physics

o   Mathematics

o   Geometry

o   Botany

o   Engineering

o   Astronomy

o   Ecology

o   Technology

o   Genetics

o   Anthropology

·         Medicine, Nutrition, & Health

·         Household Management

·         Culture/Art/Aesthetics

·         Music

·         Self Defense and Firearms

·         Communication, Language, & Literature

·         Trade Skills & Agriculture

Behind the Mask

I've been called an extrovert more times in my life than I can remember. But I'm not, not really, not in the true sense of the word. I love to cancel plans, curl up with a good book, a blank drawing pad, or a new creative project on my laptop. I love to shut out the sounds of my life (including the ceiling fan) and just sit in perfect stillness, listening to the sounds of a world that has temporarily forgotten I am there--a helicopter overhead, someone mowing the lawn, chickens scratching in their pen. I can go two days without uttering a single word, because I'm alone and there's no one to talk to. Two months might get lonesome, but a few days of quiet are lovely. I know these days will not last, and that is all right.

When I was a kid, people thought I talked too much, laughed too loud, and had too many hair-brained ideas. Sometimes I think, really? Did you not see me holding back tears and hiding behind my mama's skirt because I was too shy to walk into the church potluck by myself? Did you not see me spending hours in my hay fort, conjuring up fanciful tales in fictional worlds, playing in a universe completely removed from this one? Evidently not.

But I am loud, sometimes. I don't always cancel plans. Sometimes I'm raring to go. It is greatly satisfying to set off a crowd of friends in laughter that can't be quelled. But after a few hours of fun and games, I'm ready to go to a quiet, lonely place. Even when the cousins visit and we vow to stay up all night making once-in-a-lifetime memories, I fade away and creep off to my room for a little bit of solace before going to bed, hours before the rest of the house dies down.

People think that because I can say plainly whatever I perceive to be true, that I actually do say it fearlessly all the time. I've been told I'm a great evangelist, by someone who's never seen me struggle through actually witnessing to someone. Wow, did that one ever get called wrong. Please don't tell people things about me that are the antithesis of reality! Just because I don't particularly care what people think about me, doesn't mean that I readily do things I know will bring me into conflict with them. Even when I staunchly disagree, I'd just as soon keep quiet and ride it out. This is often a fault.

I gave a speech at my college graduation. People liked it, at the time (most have forgotten it by now). Afterwards: "Brenna, come speak to our church youth!" Me: "No!" (OK, I didn't say it like that.) Once again, they think I am something I am not.

Sometimes I wonder, am I inconsistent? Am I one way here, another way someplace else, and a third personality at other times? Am I so tossed about by every wind that I cannot be--or even know--what (or who) I really am? Others I have talked to feel the same. Why do other people have us pegged so wrong? Are they clueless, or are we wearing masks?

The answer is not complicated. When people view us (and we them), they peer out at the world through a lens that is distorted, warping and shading their perception. We've all got a lens immovably fastened in front of our eyes. Some things we see clearly, at a certain angle, when the light is just right--and we are actually looking. Most things we see mostly clearly, but not all the way. That is part and parcel with being human. We're biased. Jaded. Naive. We only see a fraction of the whole, the outside mask concealing the interior. We're confidently dead wrong.

But the all-seeing eye of the Lord is not so. The heart of man is bare before him. He is not misled by extroversion on Tuesday nights or introversion on Fridays. He masterminded the wonderfully complex, soul-possessing mechanism that is humankind, with all its tics and traits. He has no lens obscuring his piercing sight. And what he demands from his creations is not nearly as complicated or burdensome as we imagine it to be. He does not give stipulations individual to shyness or flamboyance. 

Do justly. Love mercy. Walk humbly with your God.

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart.

Take up your cross and follow Me.

Masks and warped lenses will all be cast aside, and each will stand before the throne alone. Those who seek to mend their flaws apart from the cross will fall and fall hard. Self-study and self-discovery showcase only more and more of Self--that ugly creature whose presence I already war against. But those who lift up their eyes to Jesus, the author and finisher of their faith who began a good work and is faithful to complete it, these ones will run the race, finish in victory, and receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love him.  

Well done, thy good and faithful servant.

50 Questions for My Future Husband

When I was a young teen, it was popular in my circle of friends to write lists of characteristics we hoped for in a husband someday. Some of our criteria was reasonable, much of it silly. After that time, I began to greatly dislike writing such lists, and I threw all mine away. I didn't like the "grocery shopping" feeling that list-writing gave me. I had experienced the uncomfortable feeling of being likened to a piece of feminine merchandise, up on the shelf next to all the other pretty church girls, so perhaps my intense dislike for petty checklists was more reactionary than it should have been. Even so, I threw out all lists, criteria, and qualifications, and thought no more about it for several years.

In the last year, I realized the practicality of having some clearly defined criteria of what things can or cannot be negotiated when finding a mate. This new appreciation came chiefly out of my dismay as I saw some friends of mine fall for and marry men that were, to put it nicely, losers. These were scrupulous, Christian girls who thought they would be strong and sensible, but had failed to plan ahead and as a result, made the biggest error of their lives.

I'm still not a fan of lists. I hate putting people into a box. I've never liked applications or surveys. But, after many weeks of thinking, praying, and revising, I came up with a list that contained only six simple, non-negotiable items, and two negotiable ones. I'm not posting it here for obvious reasons; it is customized to who I am and what things I value most in this life. It is a list meant to flag non-compatibility in life's biggest issues right from the get-go, thus averting future disaster.

Along the same line, I began thinking about what questions I would want to have answered from my future husband. Here is a list of 50 questions I came up with. I realize many are sober in nature, but wouldn't it be awful to commit your life to someone with some of these things unanswered? There are also some glaring omissions that one might consider essential--questions about salvation, etc. Those fundamental issues are covered in my first list, so are not repeated here. Write your own list of questions that would weigh on your heart until answered. I may not ever use these, but the writing of them helped me shape in my heart and mind the issues that are most important to me as I consider the rest of my life spent in service to the Lord, fully aware that the choices I make in life's biggest arenas will determine a future of either delight or disaster.

50 Questions for My Future Husband

1) If I developed a debilitating mental illness (example: schizophrenia) and became a threat to you or our children, what would you do?

2) If I was in an unresponsive coma, most likely for life, what would you do?

3) Under what circumstances would you seek to divorce me?

4) If I was unable to have children, how would you feel? What would you do?

5) If I died suddenly, what are your plans for taking care of yourself and raising our children? Would you consider remarrying?

6) What do you believe about spanking?

7) If another person was making inappropriate or flirtatious advances on me, how would you want me to go about including you and ending it?

8) What are your expectations for me to keep healthy and beautiful for you, even as my body changes with childbearing? (Weight gain/loss, stretch marks, etc)

9) How important is it to you that I wear makeup, style my hair, and dress attractively?

10) How do you feel about adoption, raising children of different ethnicities, and interracial marriage?

11) If I became disfigured through illness or injury, how would you feel and what would you do?

12) Because of my work history in the medical field, how would you feel if I was ever included in a court case or lawsuit, even years from now?

13) How would we handle the death of one of our children?

14) How will you keep yourself guarded from pornography and other sexual sins, and hold yourself accountable to me (and anyone else)?

15) How important is it to you to pray for your spouse? To pray with your spouse?

16) How important is it to you that we regularly do fun things together that we both enjoy?

17) How do you plan to fulfill your role as provider without sacrificing important time spent with your wife and family?

18) How interested or receptive will you be to making any lifestyle or dietary changes in an effort to make ourselves healthier?

19) What constitutes a “major purchase,” and at what amount of money should both spouses be consulted before a purchase is made?

20) What are your views on credit cards? How do you feel about debt? How much debt are you willing to carry, and for what reasons?

21) What are your views on contraception? Under what circumstances would you consider preventing conception for a time?

22) How important is it to you to have money to spend on your hobbies and interests?

23) How important is it to you that I keep a clean, organized home?

24) Under what circumstances would you be willing to be apart from me and our children for an extended period of time (mission trip, etc.)?

25) How do you plan to implement spiritual leadership in our home, and what can I do to help set up a family discipleship plan that works for us?

26) What do you think about spouses having separate email or social networking accounts?

27) When was a time I’ve ever embarrassed you by my speech, dress, behavior, or other conduct?

28) Have I ever made you feel uncomfortable by how I interact with other men?

29) How should we manage holidays and birthdays with both sides of our family?

30) What is the thing that I might do that would hurt or damage you the most?

31) What kind of secret is justified in being withheld from a spouse?

32) What should I do if I think you’re irritated or angry at something I’ve said or done?

33) How should we use and manage electronic devices and media consumption in our home?

34) How are we going to manage the internet in our home?

35) What will we do if you and I hold differing viewpoints on some Bible doctrines?

36) What would make me unattractive or undesirable to you?

37) What will we do for our parents in their older years when they need care and can no longer live alone?

38) What would you change about me, if you could?

39) What attracted you to me the most?

40) What are you most afraid of?

41) How do you feel about displays of physical affection in public? How much is too much?

42) How do you feel about women speaking up and contributing in church?

43) How would we help if one of our siblings fell on hard financial times?

44) What makes you angry?

45) What gives you the most joy?

46) How do you plan to be involved in the home-schooling of our children?

47) How do you feel about the use of slang, popular catch-phrases, sarcasm, and other irreverent or casual speech in our home?

48) What are your thoughts on owning pets or livestock?

49) How do you understand your role in carrying out the Great Commission with your God-given gifts and 

personality? 

50) What is your love language (the best way for me to communicate my love for you)?