50 Questions for My Future Husband

When I was a young teen, it was popular in my circle of friends to write lists of characteristics we hoped for in a husband someday. Some of our criteria was reasonable, much of it silly. After that time, I began to greatly dislike writing such lists, and I threw all mine away. I didn't like the "grocery shopping" feeling that list-writing gave me. I had experienced the uncomfortable feeling of being likened to a piece of feminine merchandise, up on the shelf next to all the other pretty church girls, so perhaps my intense dislike for petty checklists was more reactionary than it should have been. Even so, I threw out all lists, criteria, and qualifications, and thought no more about it for several years.

In the last year, I realized the practicality of having some clearly defined criteria of what things can or cannot be negotiated when finding a mate. This new appreciation came chiefly out of my dismay as I saw some friends of mine fall for and marry men that were, to put it nicely, losers. These were scrupulous, Christian girls who thought they would be strong and sensible, but had failed to plan ahead and as a result, made the biggest error of their lives.

I'm still not a fan of lists. I hate putting people into a box. I've never liked applications or surveys. But, after many weeks of thinking, praying, and revising, I came up with a list that contained only six simple, non-negotiable items, and two negotiable ones. I'm not posting it here for obvious reasons; it is customized to who I am and what things I value most in this life. It is a list meant to flag non-compatibility in life's biggest issues right from the get-go, thus averting future disaster.

Along the same line, I began thinking about what questions I would want to have answered from my future husband. Here is a list of 50 questions I came up with. I realize many are sober in nature, but wouldn't it be awful to commit your life to someone with some of these things unanswered? There are also some glaring omissions that one might consider essential--questions about salvation, etc. Those fundamental issues are covered in my first list, so are not repeated here. Write your own list of questions that would weigh on your heart until answered. I may not ever use these, but the writing of them helped me shape in my heart and mind the issues that are most important to me as I consider the rest of my life spent in service to the Lord, fully aware that the choices I make in life's biggest arenas will determine a future of either delight or disaster.

50 Questions for My Future Husband

1) If I developed a debilitating mental illness (example: schizophrenia) and became a threat to you or our children, what would you do?

2) If I was in an unresponsive coma, most likely for life, what would you do?

3) Under what circumstances would you seek to divorce me?

4) If I was unable to have children, how would you feel? What would you do?

5) If I died suddenly, what are your plans for taking care of yourself and raising our children? Would you consider remarrying?

6) What do you believe about spanking?

7) If another person was making inappropriate or flirtatious advances on me, how would you want me to go about including you and ending it?

8) What are your expectations for me to keep healthy and beautiful for you, even as my body changes with childbearing? (Weight gain/loss, stretch marks, etc)

9) How important is it to you that I wear makeup, style my hair, and dress attractively?

10) How do you feel about adoption, raising children of different ethnicities, and interracial marriage?

11) If I became disfigured through illness or injury, how would you feel and what would you do?

12) Because of my work history in the medical field, how would you feel if I was ever included in a court case or lawsuit, even years from now?

13) How would we handle the death of one of our children?

14) How will you keep yourself guarded from pornography and other sexual sins, and hold yourself accountable to me (and anyone else)?

15) How important is it to you to pray for your spouse? To pray with your spouse?

16) How important is it to you that we regularly do fun things together that we both enjoy?

17) How do you plan to fulfill your role as provider without sacrificing important time spent with your wife and family?

18) How interested or receptive will you be to making any lifestyle or dietary changes in an effort to make ourselves healthier?

19) What constitutes a “major purchase,” and at what amount of money should both spouses be consulted before a purchase is made?

20) What are your views on credit cards? How do you feel about debt? How much debt are you willing to carry, and for what reasons?

21) What are your views on contraception? Under what circumstances would you consider preventing conception for a time?

22) How important is it to you to have money to spend on your hobbies and interests?

23) How important is it to you that I keep a clean, organized home?

24) Under what circumstances would you be willing to be apart from me and our children for an extended period of time (mission trip, etc.)?

25) How do you plan to implement spiritual leadership in our home, and what can I do to help set up a family discipleship plan that works for us?

26) What do you think about spouses having separate email or social networking accounts?

27) When was a time I’ve ever embarrassed you by my speech, dress, behavior, or other conduct?

28) Have I ever made you feel uncomfortable by how I interact with other men?

29) How should we manage holidays and birthdays with both sides of our family?

30) What is the thing that I might do that would hurt or damage you the most?

31) What kind of secret is justified in being withheld from a spouse?

32) What should I do if I think you’re irritated or angry at something I’ve said or done?

33) How should we use and manage electronic devices and media consumption in our home?

34) How are we going to manage the internet in our home?

35) What will we do if you and I hold differing viewpoints on some Bible doctrines?

36) What would make me unattractive or undesirable to you?

37) What will we do for our parents in their older years when they need care and can no longer live alone?

38) What would you change about me, if you could?

39) What attracted you to me the most?

40) What are you most afraid of?

41) How do you feel about displays of physical affection in public? How much is too much?

42) How do you feel about women speaking up and contributing in church?

43) How would we help if one of our siblings fell on hard financial times?

44) What makes you angry?

45) What gives you the most joy?

46) How do you plan to be involved in the home-schooling of our children?

47) How do you feel about the use of slang, popular catch-phrases, sarcasm, and other irreverent or casual speech in our home?

48) What are your thoughts on owning pets or livestock?

49) How do you understand your role in carrying out the Great Commission with your God-given gifts and 

personality? 

50) What is your love language (the best way for me to communicate my love for you)?

Saved So Young

Hello, dear girls! [This is Day #150 of emailing daily, by the way!]

Tonight I'm reading from Psalm 69-71.

"O God, from my youth you have taught me,
    and I still proclaim your wondrous deeds.
¹⁸ So even to old age and gray hairs,
    O God, do not forsake me,
until I proclaim your might to another generation,
    your power to all those to come."

You and I have the immense privilege of being raised in Christian homes and having been saved early in life. If only we fully understood and appreciated the years of grief we've been spared by having such a wonderful start! It is, of course, not a default that we can just "coast along" through life on our parents' coattails of faith; no, we have to sweat and bleed and work and feel the pain of claiming the cross of Christ as our own. At the end of the day, it is each of us, alone, in the Colosseum, dared to deny our Lord. No wimpy church-camp religion here, girls. But at the same time, we have been given the gift of a Lamp to our paths so early in the journey, the right Word of truth to guide us from all lies--think of all those people out stumbling in the world, unable to discern truth from error, unsure of which way is right, weak and unfit for any battle! What a long road they have. And those who are saved later in life, after sowing seeds of sin in their earlier years, they reap the grievous harvest not only in this life, but the next: think of the spouses or children who will not be among the redeemed. Entire families who turn against the one believer and persecute their own kin with a vengeance (think of the Christians who come to the truth amidst a system like Islam!). Their lives are hard.

Be grateful for what you have been given--a faith that claimed you while you were so young, and a life that stretches out before you, even into your silver-haired years, a life of joyful submission, service, freedom, comfort and assurance beneath the banner of the salvation of God through Jesus Christ. Use this gift wisely, and do not waste your young years in comfort and indifference. Spend them stocking up on spiritual wisdom and knowledge, cultivating the fruits of the Spirit, and learning more and more about the character of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day. Then go out into the fields, which are white for harvest. Be strong. Strengthen yourselves, not bodily, for the body is wasting away and growing older only to die and decay, but rather strengthen yourselves spiritually--for your soul shall not die, but live eternally in the presence of the great and wondrous King! Gloria!

Living in Limbo

I had to stay home last weekend while my family went to a conference about homeschooling and family discipleship. I wanted to go, but alas, a major, 160 question, nerve-wracking exit nursing examination was scheduled smack in the middle of it, so I couldn't go. They came home on Sunday, beaming. Inspired. Renewed. Excited. And with bag-fulls of new books and audio lectures.

They came home filled with hope to see that there are still people left in the world who love the LORD their God with all of their hearts, souls, and minds, and teach their children to love His law as well. It was good that they went.

I, however, have been in a bit of a rut. Perhaps "stalemate" would be a better word. Not afraid, not discouraged, not frustrated--I can't pinpoint it. Worn out? Burned out? Wishing the future would hurry up and pan out so I could see how things will settle? Needing more sleep? Or, all of the above.

I want to plant a garden. But, should I bother if I won't be here to tend it? The two sheep need to be sheared. Where will I store the wool if this isn't the year I can learn to spin? I have too many horses. Which ones should I sell before I move in a mere ten weeks? Who will want them anyway? When will I find time to trim the goats' hooves? And, the "check engine" light came on in my car and it started rattling. And, we have to squeeze in a post-graduation barbecue somewhere in the 24 hours before two of our guys head to Alaska for a commercial fishing season. So much to do. Plans are a-whirling. Everything's jumbled up.

In the midst of the hum, I hear, "Be still." And know that I am God.

Yes, yes. I will. I have forgotten to be still. I have forgotten to cultivate contented joy with the flurry of each day, learning to live in this limbo land of not-quite-jelled plans. They will become clear in time, in His time, when it is right to reveal them to me. It is hard to be still when pulled in a thousand directions, hard to dim the buzzing world out and think about Him. Talk to Him. Ponder what He says. Tune for His pull on the heart.

And be still.