Standing in the Sun

Today was one of those quintessentially spring-ish days. Every year I fall in love with spring more and more, and it is a bit of a sorrow to me that the last five years--including this one--have found me mired in school work and unable to run outside, fling open my arms to the sun, smell the damp dirt and kiss my little goats' furry faces at every chance. But, in a way, the obligatory leash of The Nursing Program (yes, capitalized) has made me behold with a fresh wonder the glory of this time of year, particularly today, as I strain against the cord of annotated bibliography assignments. I lean out my second story window, take out the screen, and close my eyes as the bamboo wind chimes sing in the garden and the shaggy orchard grass glows in the last slanting rays of the sun. And I think, in this life, this quick, spinning, brief life, what more could there be than to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with my God? (Micah 6:8)

I woke up this morning from a deep, good, sweet sleep, and I awoke with the startling realization that my life is magnificently blessed. Who am I to be the receiver of a life so charmed? My parents are still married, and actually love each other (29 years and counting!). My one sister (of whom I am jealously protective) is six years into one of the most blessed marriages I've had the privilege of watching. My four younger brothers (whom I love with dreadful fierceness) are rising up, growing into the kinds of men who cast off the shabby farce of weak-minded manhood, instead asking hard questions and seeking true answers--a search that is changing them from boys to warriors before my eyes. My niece (2 years old) and nephew (4 weeks old) thrive and grow in a pure, earnest home with a mama and a papa who fear God and love his commandments.

And then there is me.

Somewhere in the middle of this bustling mini-universe that is our family, there is a 22 year old woman standing in the light of the Son, and it blinds me sometimes, when I turn my face into His glory. I'm walking, as we all are walking, and I see the junction just ahead. It's fast approaching, and when I get there, this road ends where a thousand others begin, and I'll have to pick one or stand forever on the sidewalk, watching the traffic rush by. But, it's so hard to choose. In two months I'll be done with nursing school. The pursuit that ate up the end of my teen years and launched me solidly into my twenties, forever out of childhood and into adulthood, will be over, and I'll have to move on--maybe literally.

You see, in my hometown, which is rather small and out-of-the-way, there aren't many (if any) jobs for new nurses. Quite frankly, it's just a bad time to be graduating from nursing school. Five years ago would have been a lot better. Five years from now it may be again--but I'm in the slump years, and I know it was meant to be so. I know He has not forgotten me. I know the joy of the LORD is my strength, and that I am doing this not for a good job or a paycheck or to impress anybody by having the "RN" letters behind my name, but I am doing this so that I may be of greater service to my Lord, wherever and whenever and however He should choose to use me. And if he never uses this profession, this skill set that is "nursing" which I have learned (though the thought is hard to swallow at the moment), I will not insist on using it. If He closes every door that I have knocked upon, I know it is because He knows better than I. Doors have already closed to me; even this afternoon I could scratch out another possibility on my list of hopefuls. And, for the first time, there is the possibility that I might have to leave all that I love and move away to find a job as a nurse, which brings me to some serious introspection: is it worth it? What is the point of what I'm doing? How much will I shell out in the name of Nursing? And, more importantly, it drives me into the Living Word to see what God is telling me to do, especially when each plan and sub-plan of mine are gently and firmly shut down.

But here is something surprising: as much as I hope for such-and-such opportunity to work out, and as much as I pursue it diligently, fill out the necessary applications and present myself as best I can, I have found an abiding equilibrium in knowing that it is He who ordains the future, and it is He who will orchestrate my life into a pleasing symphony of praise. When I get the letter, or answer the phone and receive the message of rejection (and I have, several times), it gets easier with each one--which is ironic, considering that rejection is generally depressing. But I am standing in the sun today; it warms and cheers my body, and I stand in the Son every day; He warms and cheers my soul. Being rejected has become almost exciting; I get to say, "Well, that wasn't it, was it, Lord?" And I smile, both in trust and bewilderment.

In the meantime, not knowing what the remaining year holds, and not even knowing where I will be in eight weeks, I'm surprised by His peace that allows me to notice and delight in the piano's muted arpeggios as the boys practice their music downstairs, the winter pear tree by the garden gate that just burst into a snowy froth of blossoms, and the delectable smell of the waffles some good soul is making for dinner. All is well when one walks humbly, trustingly, and quietly before the LORD of heaven and earth.

A Bitter Weed

From tonight's email:

Hello, dear girls! Ninety days by the grace of God; many times I've fought to keep my eyes open as I wrote to you, but you know what--if I didn't write, I didn't read, so you all have held me accountable to be into God's precious word for this many days. Thank you, thank you. :) I love you each!

Today's reading is from Mark 9 and 10. In these chapters, there is a section that says this:

". . . And Jesus called them [the disciples] to him and said to them, 'You know that those who are considered rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. But it shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.' " --Mark 10:42-45

This isn't a new idea to us, but it is oh, so hard to live. You must understand how deeply, deeply selfish we are. Our thoughts and interests naturally default to satisfying ourselves, promoting ourselves, and focusing on ourselves, to the exclusion and belittlement of other people. Selfishness isn't something that has a characteristic feature to it--it comes in as many variations as there are people. We all think of the obnoxious, greedy types as "obviously" selfish--but the truth is, the quiet, shy ones among us are equally self absorbed.

Think about this: Pride can manifest in NOT wanting the limelight as much as it shows up in those who want to steal the show all the time. If you are so self-absorbed that you can't acknowledge or honor other people's desire to care about you and recognize you, then you are just as selfish as the girl who walks into church bragging about something she wants to be praised for.

Selflessness is about OTHER people, not about our own "comfort zone." Am I too nervous and shy to greet a visitor? Bingo, selfishness--I'm too concerned with my own interests to step out of my shell and reach out to another person who may be having a much worse day than I am, might be in the middle of a crisis, could be on the verge of tears, or have just suffered some hidden tragedy and desperately needs a friendly smile and a hello. If I withhold that warmth and affection because I'm too selfish to stop putting myself first and start caring about other people, I am no better off than the worst, most blatant selfishness we can think of, and I am certainly not exhibiting the heart attitude of a humble servant of Jesus Christ.

I hope you take the time to examine your heart, and do it soon. We've all got that horrible weed trying to put down roots in us, that ugly, invasive pride of life that is the taproot of all kinds of sin. But before you despair, and more importantly, before you try to change yourself and fail and then feel miserable, let me remind you of this: you cannot change your heart. God changes hearts. It is he who purges all sin, including the sin of selfishness, from us, if we humbly repent and ask for forgiveness for the hours wasted in self-love. He will change you. You cannot win this one without him; it is futile and you'll be discouraged quickly. But with the power of the Holy Spirit conforming you into the image of Jesus, you will WIN and you will see your old self being crucified and you'll understand what it's like to glory in the joy of the Lord. It's amazing how freeing it is to stop being in love with yourself!

Don't let yourself off the hook with excuses (i.e., "I'm just an introvert, she wouldn't understand me," "I have tried to reach out and nobody appreciates it," "I'm not nearly as selfish as so-and-so," "I think I'm doing pretty well," etc). That's the easy way out, and believe me, it is comfy now, but it stings like a hornet later. I know of a girl who allowed subtle selfishness to reside in a quiet corner of her heart--it only displayed itself once in awhile, but it was there. And all of a sudden, when a time came when something (or someone) arrived in her life that was worth being totally unselfish for, she was too late, and missed it. Her true character showed itself, and she lost a precious opportunity. And it was a bitter loss--he found another girl with a gentle, healing spirit of humility who (he rightly saw) would be a far more desirable lifelong friend and wife. Oh, sweet girls, don't let that be your story! Ask the Lord to show you where selfishness resides, and then beg him to burn it out of you and make you a holy, loving servant to all.

It is a far better way.

Good Friday

From an email to my girls this evening~

Today, my scheduled Bible reading landed in Jeremiah 7 through 11. In this portion, Israel, the chosen and beloved people of God, has repeatedly forsaken him for evil pleasures, including idol worship, adultery, and child sacrifice (not so very different from our own country, hmmm?). Jeremiah is sent by God to tell the people that they have literally left God with no choice but to severely punish them and purge their sin from among them by allowing them to be brutally conquered and slaughtered by their enemies. They respond with half-hearted repentance, but their attitude is more like a shrugging-of-the-shoulders, implying that God is a meany and would punish them no mater what they do. Not true. Their persistent rebellion brought their own condemnation upon them. Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that he will also reap (Gal. 6:7).

This is a matter of serious consideration for us. Sin's consequences are grievous, for all sin is a terrible offense against a perfect, just, and holy God. We cannot fully comprehend what holiness is, for we are without it. Any righteousness, any goodness, any holiness, is imparted through Christ, and found only in the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit after repentance and belief in Jesus' atoning death, burial, and resurrection as the substitutionary sacrifice in our guilty place--the place of dishonor, unholiness, and worthy of punishment for our sins. "The wages of sin is death." "Your sin will find you out." The Bible is very clear about the result of rebellion against God. Sin begets death, pain, misery, strife, fear, anger, jealousy, hatred, self-love, distrust, pride, lust, greed, and on and on the list goes. It is an ever-descending spiral to hell, literally. Such is our fate apart from Christ.

But, today is not called "Good Friday" for no reason. It is a good day--a most excellent, wondrous, glorious day for all mankind. Today we remember with special remembrance that God stepped into the gap between our unworthy, defiled, unlovable selves and his holy, majestic completeness--and he became like us, in a body like ours, to love us, heal us, and die for us to pay the debt we ought to have paid, a debt that deserved no less than the eternal outpouring of the wrath of God. He bridged that abyss, he loved us when we were unlovable, he called us when we hated him, and he healed us when we were beyond human healing. He saved us, literally. Do not forget this grace, this favor, this unmerited affection and kindness, this benevolence that came to us, who were so undeserving and wretched. It is his grace that saves. Repentance and belief is the appropriate response from any human who has ears to hear and eyes to see and understand the truth of such love. For those who would deny that wickedness that dwells in their own hearts, those who would stop up their ears and turn away their eyes from the light, they, like the Israelites of Jeremiah's day, have damned themselves by rejecting the grace they need so desperately.

Remember what it is you have been saved from, and always think, "But for the grace of God, there go I." Beware of pride. Remember who we are apart from Christ--despised, guilty, and worthy of all condemnation. Remember who you are in Christ Jesus--a new creation, and the beloved bride of Jesus himself. An adopted child of the Most High God, grafted into his Church by grace, sweet grace. And rejoice in such a remembrance, no matter what your present circumstances may be.

That is all, dear ones. Good night, on this Good Friday.
Love, B