50 Questions for My Future Husband

When I was a young teen, it was popular in my circle of friends to write lists of characteristics we hoped for in a husband someday. Some of our criteria was reasonable, much of it silly. After that time, I began to greatly dislike writing such lists, and I threw all mine away. I didn't like the "grocery shopping" feeling that list-writing gave me. I had experienced the uncomfortable feeling of being likened to a piece of feminine merchandise, up on the shelf next to all the other pretty church girls, so perhaps my intense dislike for petty checklists was more reactionary than it should have been. Even so, I threw out all lists, criteria, and qualifications, and thought no more about it for several years.

In the last year, I realized the practicality of having some clearly defined criteria of what things can or cannot be negotiated when finding a mate. This new appreciation came chiefly out of my dismay as I saw some friends of mine fall for and marry men that were, to put it nicely, losers. These were scrupulous, Christian girls who thought they would be strong and sensible, but had failed to plan ahead and as a result, made the biggest error of their lives.

I'm still not a fan of lists. I hate putting people into a box. I've never liked applications or surveys. But, after many weeks of thinking, praying, and revising, I came up with a list that contained only six simple, non-negotiable items, and two negotiable ones. I'm not posting it here for obvious reasons; it is customized to who I am and what things I value most in this life. It is a list meant to flag non-compatibility in life's biggest issues right from the get-go, thus averting future disaster.

Along the same line, I began thinking about what questions I would want to have answered from my future husband. Here is a list of 50 questions I came up with. I realize many are sober in nature, but wouldn't it be awful to commit your life to someone with some of these things unanswered? There are also some glaring omissions that one might consider essential--questions about salvation, etc. Those fundamental issues are covered in my first list, so are not repeated here. Write your own list of questions that would weigh on your heart until answered. I may not ever use these, but the writing of them helped me shape in my heart and mind the issues that are most important to me as I consider the rest of my life spent in service to the Lord, fully aware that the choices I make in life's biggest arenas will determine a future of either delight or disaster.

50 Questions for My Future Husband

1) If I developed a debilitating mental illness (example: schizophrenia) and became a threat to you or our children, what would you do?

2) If I was in an unresponsive coma, most likely for life, what would you do?

3) Under what circumstances would you seek to divorce me?

4) If I was unable to have children, how would you feel? What would you do?

5) If I died suddenly, what are your plans for taking care of yourself and raising our children? Would you consider remarrying?

6) What do you believe about spanking?

7) If another person was making inappropriate or flirtatious advances on me, how would you want me to go about including you and ending it?

8) What are your expectations for me to keep healthy and beautiful for you, even as my body changes with childbearing? (Weight gain/loss, stretch marks, etc)

9) How important is it to you that I wear makeup, style my hair, and dress attractively?

10) How do you feel about adoption, raising children of different ethnicities, and interracial marriage?

11) If I became disfigured through illness or injury, how would you feel and what would you do?

12) Because of my work history in the medical field, how would you feel if I was ever included in a court case or lawsuit, even years from now?

13) How would we handle the death of one of our children?

14) How will you keep yourself guarded from pornography and other sexual sins, and hold yourself accountable to me (and anyone else)?

15) How important is it to you to pray for your spouse? To pray with your spouse?

16) How important is it to you that we regularly do fun things together that we both enjoy?

17) How do you plan to fulfill your role as provider without sacrificing important time spent with your wife and family?

18) How interested or receptive will you be to making any lifestyle or dietary changes in an effort to make ourselves healthier?

19) What constitutes a “major purchase,” and at what amount of money should both spouses be consulted before a purchase is made?

20) What are your views on credit cards? How do you feel about debt? How much debt are you willing to carry, and for what reasons?

21) What are your views on contraception? Under what circumstances would you consider preventing conception for a time?

22) How important is it to you to have money to spend on your hobbies and interests?

23) How important is it to you that I keep a clean, organized home?

24) Under what circumstances would you be willing to be apart from me and our children for an extended period of time (mission trip, etc.)?

25) How do you plan to implement spiritual leadership in our home, and what can I do to help set up a family discipleship plan that works for us?

26) What do you think about spouses having separate email or social networking accounts?

27) When was a time I’ve ever embarrassed you by my speech, dress, behavior, or other conduct?

28) Have I ever made you feel uncomfortable by how I interact with other men?

29) How should we manage holidays and birthdays with both sides of our family?

30) What is the thing that I might do that would hurt or damage you the most?

31) What kind of secret is justified in being withheld from a spouse?

32) What should I do if I think you’re irritated or angry at something I’ve said or done?

33) How should we use and manage electronic devices and media consumption in our home?

34) How are we going to manage the internet in our home?

35) What will we do if you and I hold differing viewpoints on some Bible doctrines?

36) What would make me unattractive or undesirable to you?

37) What will we do for our parents in their older years when they need care and can no longer live alone?

38) What would you change about me, if you could?

39) What attracted you to me the most?

40) What are you most afraid of?

41) How do you feel about displays of physical affection in public? How much is too much?

42) How do you feel about women speaking up and contributing in church?

43) How would we help if one of our siblings fell on hard financial times?

44) What makes you angry?

45) What gives you the most joy?

46) How do you plan to be involved in the home-schooling of our children?

47) How do you feel about the use of slang, popular catch-phrases, sarcasm, and other irreverent or casual speech in our home?

48) What are your thoughts on owning pets or livestock?

49) How do you understand your role in carrying out the Great Commission with your God-given gifts and 

personality? 

50) What is your love language (the best way for me to communicate my love for you)?

Alone in the Desert

My sister once told me that when she speaks to God, she envisions herself in the middle of a vast, barren desert. Sand and sky as far as the eye can see. Maybe a burning, holy wind. But no sounds. Nowhere to run. No cover from the blinding sun. It is just her, alone in the desert with the Most High.

That was the most profound image I took out of my childhood, and I think about it almost every day. I, too, have come to see the meeting of God-and-human as occurring in a desert. When I was young, the only deserts I had seen were in picture books, so I  began to create my own desert meeting-place in my mind. It was wide and welcoming, unknown but not unkind. It bore His stamp of dominion, and I was always safe there. Since then, I have seen real deserts. They are wild, unsettling. There is an ancient lava flow not far from my cottage. Jagged rivers of hardened magma glitter and dare onlookers to try crossing. No one does. The rocks are too sharp, the terrain too fierce, the risks too great. So they stand back and take pictures.

A desert is a place in which it is good--no, essential--to have a faithful companion upon whom to depend for survival. Someone who knows that there is a shaded cleft here, a hidden spring there, and a clump of edible herbs just beyond. Someone who packed provisions, who shares. Someone who knew it would be so cold at night, and brought shelter. Someone who stays awake to keep harm at bay.

I have read many (nearly all) of the western stories by the great storyteller Louis L'Amour. Some of his tales were placed within a few miles of where I am living. He knew the harshness of the desert, how it swallows, hides, and never gives back. But he also saw its haunting beauty, and he loved it.

Perhaps the imaginary desert of my childhood,  that secret place where I met God, was a kind of metaphor for His attributes which I could not identify, yet I sensed their presence and shape. It was vast; He is infinite. It was strange and unknown; He is mystery. It was safe and welcoming; He is a haven of rest. It was also fierce and relentless; He is righteous and reigns on high. I was helpless and needy there; He is near to all who call upon Him. It was hot and blinding; He is holy and pure. There are more parallels than there is time to list.

Perhaps I am not so wise after all these years. I still meet Him there, in the desert that exists only in my soul, and it seems little has changed. I am still utterly dependent on Him. My sinful self is still loathe to enter into that bright, searing heat and feel the burn of His righteous gaze. I am still alone in the desert with the Most High.

May it ever be so.

After Captivity, the Lions' Den

From an email to the girls, as I start the book of Daniel.
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Today I read from Daniel 1-6.

In the third year of the reign of Jehoiakim king of Judah, Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon came to Jerusalem and besieged it. ² And the Lord gave Jehoiakim king of Judah into his hand . . . [and he brought out] some of the people of Israel . . . ⁴ youths without blemish, of good appearance and skillful in all wisdom, endowed with knowledge, understanding learning, and competent to stand in the king's palace . . . ⁶ Among these were Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah of the tribe of Judah.

But Daniel resolved that he would not defile himself with the king's food, or with the wine that he drank. Therefore he asked the chief of the eunuchs to allow him not to defile himself. ⁹ And God gave Daniel favor and compassion in the sight of the chief of the eunuchs,

¹⁷ As for these four youths, God gave them learning and skill in all literature and wisdom, and Daniel had understanding in all visions and dreams.

Daniel and his companions were likely around your age when their world was turned upside down and they were captured and deported to a foreign pagan country. Imagine their despair. God had turned over their nation to the Babylonians. The Lord himself had turned away his face from Israel and ignored the cries of these terrified young men who were chained and taken away from the only world they had ever known. They surely had fathers, siblings, and dear friends who had been slaughtered or captured as well. They were afraid, stricken with grief, and facing a future of complete unknowns.

You and I will probably not face a trial of this scale in our lifetimes. These young men either already knew--or soon learned--that God often allows terrible tragedies to occur that he might make his power and glory manifest through the difficult circumstances. He does not send the evil happenings--all bad things are caused by sin and the devil's global agenda of destruction--but God does turn such chaos into order and glory. He uses the pain as a refining fire. He uses the fear as a means to grow an iron-strong faith and dependency on his provision and providential will.

You will face difficult times. It is inevitable in this world. No one passes through without scars of one kind or another, without the marks of a lifelong struggle with sin and death. But, as a favorite author of mine says when writing on evil and suffering and the love of God [and this is not an exact quote], "God is not so much concerned as to what exactly the difficult thing is that you are going through; His concern is how you are going through it, what you are learning, what truths your heart is drinking in, what falsehoods it is purging out, what sins you are crucifying, what God you are faithfully trusting, and how you will come out of the fiery trial of testing."

Daniel was in Babylon. You are in your homes, here in a modern country, thousands of years after Daniel's life. But take both a sober warning and a joyous hope from Daniel's life--the dark days will come, and they may last longer than you think you can bear, but like Daniel, you can keep your vision narrowed on the Lord and constantly cast your weary soul before him. After the captivity may come the lions' den. But the end of the saints who persevere is a glorious crown of righteousness, and not only a heavenly reward, but even here below, a sense of joy and contentment, because this life is viewed in its proper place on the timeline of eternity: small and fleeting, but paving the way to the fulfillment of all hope.

Goodnight, sweet girls!

Aggressive vs. Visionary

I moved away from home, across the mountains into the high desert country. It's different here. I've plunged into a new world of strange people, places, sights, smells, sounds, and rules to follow. There were things I expected--forfeiting a full two weeks' sleep as I adjusted to the irritating whine of the refrigerator in my one-room cottage. There were things I didn't expect, namely, the intimidating clouds of green mosquito-like insects called "midgies" that not only plaster my windshield, but when congregated by the millions on buildings at night, have the eery effect of making the walls appear as if they are swaying. But these are temporal things. Refrigerators and midgies will both be consumed when the elements melt with fervent heat. As my aunt says, to console us when earthly things go awry, "It's all going to burn in the end."

Here, in this place that smells of hot sand and sagebrush, I've met new people. I'm subordinate to most of them as I start this new job on the bottom rung of the proverbial corporate ladder. But I have a secret--this is one ladder I'm not going to climb. No one here would understand, so I don't bother to explain. I smile and nod, work as hard as I know how, and I hold on to the hope set before me. To outside eyes, I am camouflaged into the fabric of all the other young white female nurses eager to start their careers in modern-day America. But strip away the veneer, and there is little common ground.

See, I've noticed there are a lot of women in the healthcare business. Nursing is a traditionally female-dominated profession, and it still is. But with the muddling of the gender-roles in contemporary society, women have galloped into the sunset, often dragging their families behind or dumping them somewhere along the highway to false success. One once told her husband when they were newly married, Just so you know, I love you and all that, but you don't complete me. I would be fine without you. You're welcome to join my life, and it sure would be better to have you along, but this is my show. To her credit, they've made it work for several decades, so apparently they came to an agreement. But I still can't imagine ever telling my husband that he's welcome to hop in the saddle behind me, as long as I get to hold the reigns.

So many women around me are chasing dreams that are illusion. Hailed as innovative and visionary, yet my spirit intuits aggression from them. Women whose reputations precede them as shrewd, wise, and tempered prove to be a disappointment when their true character comes out as unmistakably self-centered. They think they've juggled the traditional roles of mother-and-homemaker with their career success.They think their children are successful for winning scholarships, graduating with honors, and making buku bucks in their own careers. Blind to the truth of their failure, they cannot see the cesspool of materialism and self-interest that engulfs their lives, nor the great void left by an unfulfilled true purpose.

So what is the answer? Is there truly no place for strong-willed, visionary women? Must they stuff their giftedness and vent their frustration in vigorous housecleaning? Of course not. The Creator would not design something that is intrinsically useless, nor something that must be broken in order to be properly useful. All of His created order is crafted with precision and intentional purpose. Strong-minded women have a place in the kingdom. I have to admit, I write this from the perspective of a woman who is not strong. Staunch in convictions, yes, but more apt to drift away from a fight and find the path of lesser resistance. I hate confrontation. Instead of taking this bull by the horns and seeking to reform the minds of women in my workplace, my default is to hunker down, keep a low profile, and make it work. I'm good at making things work, and this is not always good. As such, it is with both admiration and dread that I identify a strong woman. I'm always wondering, Which kind of Type A are you?

But God doesn't possess my faults. He is not intimidated by gung-ho gals. He made them such. What He asks from them is what He asks from each of us: To turn from our self-love, to receive of His grace, and to pursue holiness with singular devotion. It must be willing submission and obedience to Him; He does the rest. The infinite variables of each equation are all factored in perfectly, and He is able to masterfully engineer a unique being who is tempered, strong, pure, happy and blessed in her individualized strengths. I can't explain how He does it, time after time, woman after woman, but He does. He takes these selfish hearts, runs them through the fire, purifies them, and tunes them to His Spirit. There is no other way. All self-improvement journeys fade out and dead-end at some point, but the road that is narrow winds ever upward, ending at the gates of the celestial city where all visions, inspirations, and dreams find their culmination.